Today's song is my personal favorite by longtime emo stalwarts Jimmy Eat World, from their album Futures. Though they're still active today and are still putting out some good music, in my humble opinion nothing can really match the work they did back in '04. Let's have a listen:
Kill
Well you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will
Could it be that everything goes around by chance
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me
You always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do but I just can't walk away
I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up, put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmiser song goes:
'It's just like being alone...'
Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me
You've got some nerve but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do but I just can't turn away
So go on, love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
And so much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you
And I should have said it
But tell me
Just what has it ever meant
I can't help it baby
This is who I am
I'm sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me
You build me up but just to watch me break
I know what I should do but I just can't walk away
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The first thing that strikes me about this song is just how damn earnest it is. That's kind of one of Jimmy Eat World's strengths, and lead singer/songwriter Jim Adkins knows how to fuse the words with his voice to get across just the right kind of emotion.
This song is a pretty easy analysis. It's about love, yes, but unlike most love songs, there's not really any idealization of the other person present. It's got that emo tinge (despite how overwrought the term has become) that's more "realistic"-- love is flawed, love can be an unfortunate circumstance. "Kill" is all about that unfortunate circumstance; Adkins is in love with a girl that he shouldn't love, but he can't bring himself to tell her-- and furthermore, he feels like he's missed his chance to be with her. "I know what I should do but I just can't walk away."
But bringing it back to the start: the two main verses of the song deal with Adkins literally being unable to go tell a girl how he feels. "You're just across the street/looks a mile to my feet". He can't even pick up the phone and call her: "I wish I'd go to you/I pick up, put down the phone". It's clear that he knows the girl fairly well; whether she's an ex-girlfriend of Adkins or simply someone he wants to be with isn't clear. Nevertheless, he "can picture [her] face well," he knows her "favorite Heatmeiser song," and is aware of her strengths ("you always know the perfect thing to say") and her flaws ("you've got some nerve but can't face your mistakes"). Thinking of all of this kills Adkins inside-- even with her flaws, he's totally smitten by the girl.
The bridge contains probably the most important lyrics in the song, or at least the best. Adkins urges the girl to "leave while there's still hope for escape," because there's no use being stuck with a guy as indecisive as he is. The next lines nail the dichotomy: "there's so much ahead" for her "and so much regret" for him.
He knows "what she [wants] to say...but can't help feeling differently"; in other words, either that she doesn't or no longer loves him, despite his strong feelings for her. But it's nothing that he's ever communicated: "I loved you/And I should have said it". The way these lines are sung are amazing, and you can literally hear the regret and pain in Adkins' voice. Like I said before, it's just so earnest, so honest.
So the moral here is to seize the day, to stop being such a fuck-up and walk across the street, pick up the phone, be honest, let people know what you think of them before it's too late.
Okay. A stupid story about how Futures came to be in my possession: an aunt had sent the CD to my mom to pass on to me as a Christmas gift. She forgot all about it, my aunt came into town and, thinking she was relating to me, said "I just saw Jimmy Eat World on the Tonight Show. They were pretty good." I had no idea why the hell she was talking to me about Jimmy Eat World, couldn't get a bead on whether she was a fan or was somehow mocking me. So I kind of laughed awkwardly, made a joke, and brushed her off.
Only later that night, when my mom hastily gave me the unwrapped CD and said "this was supposed to be from your aunt" did I understand what had been happening there. I thought about approaching my aunt and apologizing for being a dick, but somehow the opportunity just never seemed right. I'd missed my window to right that ship.
Love can be like that, where you can't quite figure out what's going on until it hits you when it's too late. Everything depends so much on perfect timing, on two people occupying the same space, physically and emotionally, at the same time. "Star-crossed" as a term never seemed more apt. I've talked before about how music can sometimes drive me, and this is a great example. Adkins in "Kill" is relatable yet pathetic, paralyzed to the point of indecision, wanting more but knowing that opportunity has passed him by.
"I loved you, and I should have said it." The ultimate romantic regret.
"I'm sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel." If you have feelings for someone, do you let them know, even if the timing isn't right?
You tell me.
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